The Westwood Enabler’s Advice For Freshmen

It’s Bruin Day, and campus is filled with prospective students considering their future at UCLA. If you do decide to go blue and gold, here are some tips to make sure your first year is the best it can be.

1. Rende East is locally known as a “hidden gem” of the UCLA campus. Perfect for date night!

2. Always use a tray in the dining halls!

3. Avoid Joe Bruin (rabies).

4. Grab every flier that is handed to you on Bruinwalk, you will definitely need them later.

5. Never bring up Powell Cat. Keep their name out of your damn mouth.

6. If you see a senior, give them a meal ticket in deference.

7. Date someone on your floor. It’s convenient and fun, what could go wrong?

8. Do NOT smoke weed. That’s illegal.

9. All questions are stupid questions. Never ask them.

10. Ask people picnicking in the sculpture garden if they want a “sloppy Bertha.” They’ll know what it means.

11. Never ask someone if they’re gay. They’re not. We are all straight here.

12. Correct your professors in every class. That way they will know you are an equal.

13. Insert each of your toes into the communal shower drain on Dykstra floor 9. It’s a right of passage!

Good luck, class of 2027!

About Jade Lacy 46 Articles
Jade is an enigma, the shadow at the edge of your vision, the personification of night, and a fourth-year English major and Asian American Studies Minor. She enjoys creeping into your nightmares and creative writing.