JERUSALEM — After failing to make an expected appearance on Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced this morning that Easter will not happen until mid-May this year as he is just too sleepy to rise. “Every year, I get killed on Good Friday by those damn Romans, and every year I’m expected to resuscitate after only three days of rest,” Christ said while wearing lime green silk Gucci pajamas. “As if the crucifixion thing weren’t enough, I’m expected to heal the sick, walk on water, and turn water to wine. It’s exhausting! I need some me-time before my next big miracle, so just tell everyone that they can celebrate when I rise in a few weeks.” At press time, Jesus was seen moving a “savior-size” memory foam mattress into his tomb.