Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone

NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed in their five year old, who has never so much as touched a gun. “Little Peter is usually ahead of all the developmental milestones,” said the Joneses while trying to special-order an AK-47 to fit a child’s hand. “Surviving a school shooting looks great on college apps. If you take the initiative to start one yourself, it must be even better.” At press time, the Joneses were leaving their son in tanning beds in hopes that he could beat skin cancer by the age of seven.

About Jade Lacy 46 Articles
Jade is an enigma, the shadow at the edge of your vision, the personification of night, and a fourth-year English major and Asian American Studies Minor. She enjoys creeping into your nightmares and creative writing.