Special Snowflake Doesn’t Like Pizza
WESTWOOD—Sources report that local special snowflake, Andrew Robinson, dislikes pizza. “Andrew is so unique,” Amir Ashraf, a friend of Robinson’s, said this morning. “He just […]
7 Ways To Pretend You’re Productive So Your South Campus Roommate Won’t Hate You
Face it, you are OVER the awkward tension that has formed between you and your roommate. After weeks of ignoring their judgmental glances at the […]
Report: Small Joys Not As Good As Bigger, Better Joys
WESTWOOD—A recent report released by the UCLA Research Institute revealed that small joys are just not as good as bigger, better joys. “To give you […]
Cool Professor Wears Tie-Dye Shirt
WESTWOOD—Physics professor Alexander Grobin walked into class today wearing a tie-dye shirt, instantly cementing his status as the cool professor. “Grobin is just the coolest,” […]
Antarctic Ice Cap Not Melting, Just Thinning
ANTARCTICA—Antarctica’s normally thick ice cap has been looking patchy lately, but the continent is sure that this receding ice line is not a sign of […]
UCLA Students Shocked To Find Out UCLA Not In Israel
WESTWOOD — Students at UCLA expressed shock when they learned earlier today that contrary to what they had believed, UCLA is, in fact, located in […]
POINT: Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed / COUNTERPOINT: Have You Seen That Video Of The Cop Giving People Ice Cream Cones?
Point Police Brutality Is A Systemic Issue That Must Be Addressed By: Matt Styles Half a century after the Civil Rights Movement, black people in this […]
Local Voter Starting To Suspect Trump Might Be Sexist
MINNEAPOLIS—Moments after a widely-publicized tape revealed a 2005 conversation in which Donald Trump boasted about assaulting women, local voter Andy Wilding reported that he was […]
40,000 Students and Not One of Them Has Found the Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs
Dear Students, As we begin the new quarter, it is important that we do not lose sight of what binds all Bruins together: our common […]
Local Voter Somehow Still Undecided
LOS ANGELES — Local keysmith and registered voter Adam Wells has still not decided which candidate he will support for President of the United States […]