7 Ways To Pretend You’re Productive So Your South Campus Roommate Won’t Hate You

Try to look busy!

Face it, you are OVER the awkward tension that has formed between you and your roommate. After weeks of ignoring their judgmental glances at the Little Einstein’s reruns on your computer screen, you have finally noticed that your educational choices may be upsetting your roommate.

1. Make a fake class plan.

Good news is, your MyUCLA class plan can be completely falsified. The more 8 ams, the better. Your overwhelmed roommate will never have the time to double-check that “Introduction to Laboratory and Scientific Methodology” is not required for your Sociology degree!

*Pro Tip: For the biggest effect, screenshot the plan and set it as the background for both your phone AND laptop.

2. Never walk with them to class.

Sure, you both “have” MWF 8 AMs in the engineering building. However, you know that the second they leave for school you’re going back to sleep until your 1 pm class. All you need to do is tell them you can’t leave until you finish up your MATLAB report, or until you figure out how to recreate tetrahedral geometry using your $80 molecular model kit. Works every time!

3. Buy the necessary textbooks.

“Chemical Principles” is only $180, and well worth the investment to ensure your friendship isn’t on the rocks.

4. Have at least one emotional breakdown a week.

Make it two during Weeks 3, 4, 6, and 8. This is the only way they will believe that you really do have eight midterms.

5. Wear exclusively business casual attire.

According to your color-coded Passion Planner, your day consists of an important interview at 8, an investment banking conference from 9-12, lunch with Gene Block at 1, and a Plant Communication research presentation at 4. You must dress to impress.

6. Utilize social media.

Send at least four snapchats a night to your roommate, preferably between the hours of 2 and 6 AM.

*Pro Tip: Young Research Library is filled to the brim with exhausted undergrads. 4:30 am is your time to thrive! At this time, several students fall victim to unintentional and highly regrettable 2-minute slumbers. During this brief window, you sneak in from behind, slip their homework out from under their drool-stained cheek, and snap your roomie about how your microbiology homework has made you “literally dead.”

7. Fill your backpack with bricks.

Last but not least, every hardworking student has early onset osteoarthritis from carrying their 18 pound Pathology textbook around for 13 hours a day. You MUST meet and exceed that standard.

*Pro Tip: While together, ask your roommate to hand you your backpack that was conveniently placed next to their bed. When they ask, “Geez, do you have bricks in here or something??,” tell them the truth! Respond with, “Psh, yeeeeah, Monica, I put BRICKS in my backpack.”

You will both share a laugh, and you can feel relief knowing that you have built a trustworthy, honest foundation for your relationship.