Local Voter Somehow Still Undecided

LOS ANGELES — Local keysmith and registered voter Adam Wells has still not decided which candidate he will support for President of the United States following Monday’s debate. “On one hand, you have Donald Trump who sometimes says mean things, then you have Hillary Clinton, who I’m told has a personal kill list of 129 people,” said Wells, exuding an undeserved air of intellect and expertise. “I’m willing to overlook Clinton’s transgressions, but I’d like to hear her talk more about policy — I’d also like to see her smile more. On the other hand, people say Trump’s racist, but he hasn’t quite lost me yet — maybe he’ll say something too over the line for me, but I don’t know.”

When asked whether the debate had swayed him, Wells said, “Neither candidate spoke to the issues that are important to me. I realize ISIS is a big deal, but like, I don’t deal with them in my daily life, you know? There’s a speed bump on my street that I’d really like to be removed, but the Homeowner’s Association won’t do anything about it. If either of them talks about abolishing speed bumps during the next debate, I might consider voting for them.”

Wells also lamented the lack of more choices this election. “You know who I really like? That Gary Johnson guy. He seems really chill, like the type of guy I’d smoke a bowl with; he’s presidential material as far as I’m concerned. It’s so unfairly limiting that they wouldn’t include such an experienced and knowledgeable candidate in the debate.”

At press time, Wells was being hunted by Nate Silver and the FiveThirtyEight election team for disrupting their general election model.

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