40,000 Students and Not One of Them Has Found the Goose That Lays the Golden Eggs

Dear Students,

As we begin the new quarter, it is important that we do not lose sight of what binds all Bruins together: our common goal. That is, to find the goose that lays the golden eggs.

When I was appointed chancellor in early 2007, I announced that we would find the goose that lays the golden eggs in the coming decade. Much like John F. Kennedy promising to put a man on the moon, I believed that we could set a new standard for humanity, and find the elusive beast that has evaded mankind for the last millennia.

The day I swore in as chancellor I implemented a multidisciplinary approach. Since then, the history department has collected the largest record of goose sightings ever compiled, the art history department has analyzed thousands of paintings for aurum-anserinian influence, and the physics department calculated the energy required for an egg to spontaneously transmute into pure gold. I must be honest though, these “fringe” subjects can only take us so far. This year UCLA admitted only 5 new ecology students. We must do better than that. We need more students in ecology, and other G.O.O.S.E. fields, like ovulation and gold.

Honestly, I am disappointed in the UCLA community. We have four Nobel laureates in our faculty, and thousands of other professors at the top of their fields. We spend 900 million dollars a year on research, and yet we have a collection of only 23 geese, none of which lays golden eggs. In addition, we have 500 UCLA students studying abroad every quarter. UCLA students study in over 100 universities in more than 40 countries, and in all of those locations, not a single student has reported back with evidence of any geese, period.

I know you’re out there, you avian coward. I’m going to get you. I swear to god I’m going to get you. And when I do, I am going to steal your golden eggs. And I am going to drink the sweet syrup of your egg yolk, and I will become the most powerful chancellor the world has ever seen.

In conclusion, I believe we can do better. UCLA is one of the world’s leading research institutes. We sent the world’s first email. We discovered black holes. I am confident that these middling accomplishments will pave the way for our ultimate goal. I know how much finding the goose that lays the golden eggs means to each and every member of the UCLA community.


Gene D. Block