Friend Who Wasn’t Hungry Already Asking For A Bite
WESTWOOD — After insisting that she wasn’t hungry and deciding not to order food for herself, Stacy Abrams proceeded to ask for a bite of […]
“Thank God Weed Is Legal Now,” Says All Of California
SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling the passage of proposition 64 a “gift from heaven” and “the only thing keeping me fucking sane,” disaffected Californians all over the state […]
Thomas Jefferson Wakes Up In Cold Sweat, Cries, “My God, What A Terrible Nightmare”
MONTICELLO, VIRGINIA–Reporting feelings of tremendous fear, notable Founding Father Thomas Jefferson abruptly woke up in a cold sweat early this morning after a nightmarish vision […]
Op-Ed: Being Called A Whore On Bruinwalk Led Me To God
Every sinner has a chance to repent. I was a sinner, and I didn’t even know it. I lived every day of my life thinking […]
America Prays Cubs’ World Series Victory the Only Unfathomable Win This Year
CHICAGO–With the Chicago Cubs’ World Series win this Wednesday, liberal America has begun praying that the nation’s quota for unfathomable victories has been fulfilled for […]
Area Man Checks Into Standing Rock Hooters Location
STANDING ROCK, ND—Following a proliferation of online activism regarding the Dakota Access Pipeline, sources report that area man Mike Gianni showed his solidarity with indigenous […]
Man Uses Same Racist Costume For Halloween And Cinco De Mayo
Madison, WI—Area man Joseph Peterson is dressing as a “Mexican cowboy” for Halloween, and plans to use the same costume for Cinco De Mayo next […]
A Guide To Picking The Perfect Halloween Costume
Have you googled “easy halloween costume ideas” for the tenth time today? Are you considering staying home just to avoid coming up with a “cool” […]
Student Gets Massive Thrill From Not Locking Stall Door While Defecating
WESTWOOD—Having already drawn down his pants and committed to a bowel movement in a public bathroom, Statistics major Steven Chu received a massive thrill when […]
Best Places To Poop On Campus
Ever wondered what the best places to poop on campus were? Here’s an exclusive compilation of our staff’s favorite places! In Gene Block’s private bathroom […]