Facebook Releases New Timeline Based On Family Members’ Most Offensive Posts
MENLO PARK, CA – With the general election weeks away, political commentary that nobody asked for from Facebook users’ normally inactive older relatives has increased, […]
Other Amendments Wondering How They Can Be More Controversial
WASHINGTON D.C. – A conservative movement to #abolishthe19th has taken Twitter by storm this past week, leaving the other twenty-something amendments of the Constitution feeling […]
Submission: The Westwood Enabler Should Avoid Writing Biased Articles on Bruin Republicans
As UCLA students, we look to the Westwood Enabler when we’re bored in class or sitting on the toilet. Unfortunately, it is now more evident […]
Student Activist Being Treated At Ronald Reagan Following Exposure To Differing Opinion
WESTWOOD — EMTs rushed second-year sociology major and student activist Emma Schwartz to UCLA’s Ronald Reagan Medical Center following her collapse midway through a heated […]
Study: Everyone At Gym Definitely Staring At You
LOS ANGELES — A newly released study by the UC Center For Sustainable Exercise (UCCSE) confirmed the long-held belief that everyone at the gym is […]
Elusive UCLA_WIFI_RES Added To Orientation Scavenger Hunt
WESTWOOD — UCLA New Student & Transition Programs (NSTP) announced that they will be adding the notoriously elusive campus wireless network UCLA_WIFI_RES to “Carpe Noctem,” […]
UCLA Sanitation to Powell Bathroom Patrons: “Just Go Hog Wild”
WESTWOOD — UCLA Sanitation told the patrons of the Powell Library restroom to “just go hog wild” in a letter posted Monday morning. “Our facilities […]
Nice Professor Allows Quiet Sobbing In Class
WESTWOOD – Receiving enormous praise for her kindness and understanding, Rachel Irwin, Professor of Economics, generously allows students to sob quietly during class. “I’ve never […]
Unclear How Many Layers Of Irony Guy Wearing Che Guevara Shirt Is Going For
WESTWOOD – Reporting feelings of great confusion, sources have stated that it is unclear how many layers of irony UCLA student James Kaplan, who recently […]
Report: Alliteration Almost Always Astonishingly Annoying and Aggravating
WESTWOOD–Astounding an abundance of amazed Anglos, a recent rigorous report related that alliteration is almost always astonishingly annoying and aggravating. “It’s immensely irritating,” said Mathematics […]