Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory
BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]
A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You
Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]
Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured
PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]
Top 5 Dining Hall Beverages That Taste Like Squirt
For such a pathetic lay like myself, squirt comes around just about as often as this drink. Also, much like the splash zones I’ve experienced, […]
Opinion: Hire Chip Kelly
DeShaun Foster is finally gone after 15 infuriating games as UCLA football’s head coach. He sucked so much that Athletic Director Martin Jarmond, occasionally known […]
Opinion: The Fight Song Shouldn’t Have Words
In light of football season starting again, I needed to mentally prepare myself for another fall quarter of watching us crap the bed every single […]
Trump’s $1 Billion Settlement Shuts Down The Westwood Enabler
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Westwood Enabler has been shut down. On Friday, the Trump administration sent UCLA their proposal for a $1 billion settlement, in […]
Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]
Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed
It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]