Report: Alliteration Almost Always Astonishingly Annoying and Aggravating

WESTWOOD–Astounding an abundance of amazed Anglos, a recent rigorous report related that alliteration is almost always astonishingly annoying and aggravating. “It’s immensely irritating,” said Mathematics major Malcolm McAlpin. “Why would anyone in the wide world want words that sound so strikingly similar strung together in a single score? It’s an instance of infantile idiots trying to excite stupid sycophants.” Felicity Flanders, a freshman, added that those who “arrange alliterative adjectives and adverbs adjacently, persistently picked for the pointless purpose of a putatively pleasant pattern, should be promptly put in prison.” At press time, avid aficionados of alliteration anxiously awaited the arbitration of onomatopoeia.