BREAKING: PAC Member Joins Tours
WESTWOOD — After an extensive series of application essays and interviews, numerous Facebook posts have confirmed that this year’s cohort of UCLA Tour Guides includes […]
Articles by Hannah Ross
Submission: Regarding David Hogg’s Admission
Dear David: After careful review of your application for admission, we regret to inform you that we are not able to offer you admission for […]
Olympic Committee Reevaluates LA Bid After Seeing B-Plate Portion Sizes
MANKATO, MN – Just weeks after declaring the 2028 Olympic bid will be offered to the City of Los Angeles, International Olympic Committee President Thomas […]
Hot Kevin From Chem Now Just Mediocre Kevin In Film GE
WESTWOOD — After sharing ten weeks with classmate Kevin in Chemistry 14B, second-year Biology major Marissa Johnson was disappointed to find that the same boy, […]
BREAKING: Thesis Statement Isn’t Actually A Thesis
WESTWOOD — After waiting in anticipation for feedback on the first draft of an essay that comprises 15% of her grade, third-year Human Biology and […]
Empty Conditioner Bottle Goes Another Week on Shower Shelf
WESTWOOD—After being grabbed, shaken, and put back for the twelfth consecutive shower, an empty bottle of Pantene conditioner has managed to last another week on […]
Local Sixth Grader Down To Last Two Pieces of Halloween Candy
ORLANDO, FL—After a record breaking five months and four days, local sixth grader Aiden Kelly has finally come down to his last two pieces of […]
Mom Totally Nails Guest Bathroom’s Beach Aesthetic With New Shell Soaps
TULSA, OK— After weeks of trying to perfect the downstairs guest bathroom, local mom Beth Patterson made a final addition of shell soaps to successfully […]
Friend Who Wasn’t Hungry Already Asking For A Bite
WESTWOOD — After insisting that she wasn’t hungry and deciding not to order food for herself, Stacy Abrams proceeded to ask for a bite of […]