Empty Conditioner Bottle Goes Another Week on Shower Shelf
WESTWOOD—After being grabbed, shaken, and put back for the twelfth consecutive shower, an empty bottle of Pantene conditioner has managed to last another week on […]
Student Risks It All, Assumes Summer Job Does Not Require Drug Test
WESTWOOD—In a display of recklessness last Sunday, second year Geography and Environmental Studies major Michaela Watkins risked it all and assumed that her upcoming summer […]
Freshman’s Sex Playlist Just The Weeknd
WESTWOOD—Sources report that freshman Brian Clements has finished up curating his sex playlist consisting solely of songs by popular R&B artist, The Weeknd. “He has […]
Op-Ed: Bruins United Probably Still Going To Win Everything
Well, uh, there was an incident. I mean, it was a thing that happened. With Bruins United. Maybe. It’s really hard to say if there […]
Area Man Can’t Tell If Pain “Burning” Or “Stabbing”
LOS ANGELES—This Tuesday, area man Oliver Howard reportedly had trouble determining if the pain in his lower abdomen was more of a “burning” or “stabbing” […]
Report: Mom Got The Good Cookies This Time
NEW ROCHELLE, NY—Multiple sources have confirmed that Mom just got back from the grocery store and got the good cookies this time. “What? Yeah I […]
Local Sixth Grader Down To Last Two Pieces of Halloween Candy
ORLANDO, FL—After a record breaking five months and four days, local sixth grader Aiden Kelly has finally come down to his last two pieces of […]
Study: Lululemon Attire Also Good For Doing Yoga
WESTWOOD—A new study performed by the UCLA Sports Medicine Center recently confirmed that the popular “athleisure” clothing produced by Lululemon Athletica is also good for […]
UCLA to Eliminate Fraternities to Help Achieve Goal of Zero Waste by 2020
WESTWOOD—UCLA has just announced its plan to progressively eliminate fraternities within three years to help achieve its goal of zero waste by 2020. “It just […]
Report: This D&D Campaign Is Off to a Wild Start
WESTWOOD—Gathered around a pile of spellbooks and props, fourth year Melanie Rodriguez eagerly rolled the dice on a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign. “God, we […]