Student Risks It All, Assumes Summer Job Does Not Require Drug Test

Watkins stated she was “honestly like 99.9% sure” that she would be fine.

WESTWOOD—In a display of recklessness last Sunday, second year Geography and Environmental Studies major Michaela Watkins risked it all and assumed that her upcoming summer job would not require a drug test.

“I mean, I don’t do a lot of drugs, but weed [marijuana] takes a really long time to leave your system. If I knew there was going to be a drug test, I’d have to stop smoking right away, and that would be super lame,” she said as she tied her hair up with a strand of hemp string.

Watkins was reportedly “thrilled” when she found out she was hired for her dream internship with the United States Geology Survey at Yosemite National Park. “It’s just such a cool opportunity. I’m going to get paid to camp in Yosemite all summer. But like, I’m sure all of their employees smoke, right? They can’t fire all of us.”

This is Watkins’s first experience with a job in the geology field. “I’ve never actually worked in STEM before, but last year I worked at a rad summer camp up near Humboldt, and they didn’t give me a drug test. So I think I’m good, right?”

While many jobs and internships do require their new hires to be screened for substances such as marijuana, cocaine, and opium, Watkins is confident that her internship is different. “I mean, I’m not super sure, but it would really suck if they did. So I said, ‘Fuck it. I’m just going to live my life as usual and hope for the best.’”

At press time, Watkins was reassuring a friend of hers that cranberry juice would help her pass a drug test if she did end up needing to take one.