Op-Ed: If You Want To See My Weird Feet, You Have To Earn My Weird Feet
This one goes out to all the undeserving folks who ask to see my feet before they see my personality. You know who you are. […]
New Kid Doesn’t Have Any Obvious Flaws To Pick Apart, Says School Bully
SANTA MONICA—Sources reported that local high school bully Sam Daniels was overheard this past Friday expressing his disappointment over the new kid having no obvious […]
Study: 87% Of LA Middle Schoolers Currently In Ackerman A-Level
WESTWOOD — Nearly 87% of children attending middle school in L.A. are currently standing around in Ackerman A-Level, according to a recent study conducted by […]
Op-Ed: Leaking Classified Information Is Only A Big Deal If It’s Emails
What’s all this outcry about me leaking classified info to the Russians? Believe me, I know a lot of people and none of them are […]
Point: USAC Is An Essential Part of Student Representation/Counterpoint: USAC Kind Of Sounds Like Ballsack
Point: USAC Is An Essential Part of Student Representation By: Janice Miller The Undergraduate Student Association Council serves UCLA through creating programs and passing […]
What USAC Actually Stands For
Many have asked and many have conjectured – what does USAC truly stand for? It is a question we mouth whenever we are forced to […]
Trump Fires Biggest Supporter
WASHINGTON–The White House announced in a press release this Tuesday that President Donald J. Trump has terminated one of the most prominent and influential supporters […]
Op-Ed: We Can’t Subsidize People Who Are Irresponsible Enough To Get Cancer
Dear American People, I have received many angry letters, body parts, and obscene photographs in the mail recently, and I find that very disappointing. The […]
Man Unaware Spooky Skeleton Inside Him
RICHMOND, VA—According to his friends, local man Steve Crandall is currently unaware there is a spooky skeleton not-so-deep inside of him. “Steve made a joke […]
Report: Health-Conscious Sorority Girl Later Seen Vomiting Smirnoff In Fraternity Bathroom
WESTWOOD–Health-conscious sorority member Sabrina Templin was reportedly seen at 2 A.M. Saturday morning, curled up onto the feces-stained tile of a fraternity bathroom floor, violently […]