Op-Ed: We Can’t Subsidize People Who Are Irresponsible Enough To Get Cancer

Dear American People,

I have received many angry letters, body parts, and obscene photographs in the mail recently, and I find that very disappointing. The Republican Party has worked tirelessly for at least six hours to come up with a fantastic health care bill that will incentivize people to work. Long gone are the day of lazy leukemia patients getting Medicare checks sent to them. Today, we say no to reckless spending and yes to making cancer patients responsible for their own irresponsible behavior.

Is it truly the responsibility of the government to pay for half of your cancer treatment? Maybe you should have thought about that before you were born with a genetic predisposition to cancer, or decided to move to a neighborhood near a plant that illegally releases carcinogens into the atmosphere. And cancer is just the tip of the iceberg. Why should we pay for people with Alzheimers and dementia? If you’re old and you’re starting to lose it, it’s really on you. Maybe you should have eaten some more caviar as a kid. I hear it’s great for your memory.

What we hope, more than anything else, is that this will incentivize the disabled, the terminally ill, and the mentally challenged members of our population to really pull up their bootstraps and get a job with a high enough salary to pay for medical treatment out of pocket. When Americans are working, they are making a stronger and healthier economy. And for those of you with heart conditions and diabetes, maybe if you had been working at all the hundreds of totally available high paying blue collar jobs all this time, you wouldn’t have gotten so morbidly obese.

Of course, it is important for Congress to lead by example. I don’t have cancer, diabetes, glaucoma, or even male pattern baldness, because I worked hard and got a job that paid me enough to purchase healthy food, a gym membership, propecia, and weekends off to destress. I will, however, admit that part of it is also a result of just making the smart decision to be born with good genetics. The bottom line is that no one has to die of a pre-existing health condition if they just don’t get one in the first place.

Thank you, and God bless America.