Op-Ed: If You Want To See My Weird Feet, You Have To Earn My Weird Feet

This one goes out to all the undeserving folks who ask to see my feet before they see my personality.

You know who you are. You’re the people who stop me as I’m walking down Bruin Walk and say, “Hey, you’re that girl with the weird feet! How about you pull those puppies out and let me see how strange they are?”

Well guess what, pal: if you want to see my long, translucent, lumpy feet, you have to earn them. You can’t expect me to just whip them out and show them to someone I barely know. My foot babies are probably even weirder than anything you’ve seen in your wildest dreams, but until you’ve proven your worthiness, my feet will be staying in their socks, thank you very much.

How do you earn the right to view my weird feet in all their shapely glory, you ask? It’s pretty simple. Get to know me. Show me that you care. Take me out to dinner. Then you can work your way up to viewing the girls. Start by asking me what my shoe size is. Maybe even go with me the next time I shop for custom insoles to help preserve my natural, unusual arch type.

My feet are unique, and that makes them precious. So next time you ask to count my bunions, or compare the length of my toes to the length of my fingers, or see how many ping pong balls I can pick up with a single foot, remember what my feet really mean. They’re worth more than you know. Please treat them with the respect they deserve.