New Kid Doesn’t Have Any Obvious Flaws To Pick Apart, Says School Bully

Daniels plans to contact the new kid’s previous school to “try and dig up some dirt” about why he left.

SANTA MONICA—Sources reported that local high school bully Sam Daniels was overheard this past Friday expressing his disappointment over the new kid having no obvious flaws to make fun of. “Normally I make a list of everything wrong with the new kid, and then brainstorm some clever sayings to use for a few months to make their lives as miserable as possible,” said Daniels, who revealed in his notebook an outline of the calculated character assassination he created for the last new kid. “I don’t go for anything too malicious, just the usual stuff, the way they dress, their appearance, or maybe something about their family. But with this new kid, he already fits in really well and I honestly can’t find anything wrong with him.” At press time, Daniels was staked out at the new kid’s house in hopes of discovering him performing plays for his stuffed animals or something.