UCLA’S Top Five Sexually Eligible Statues
5. John Wooden It’s no surprise that a man whose first and last names both mean penis is coming in hot on this list. John […]
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Dorm Resident Hospitalized After Automatic Toilet Flushes Prematurely
WESTWOOD — The sixth-floor communal bathroom of Sproul Cove was struck by tragedy Friday evening after a horrific flush-sensor malfunction in the second stall hospitalized […]
Julio Frenk Promises Undocumented Students He Will Do “Absolutely Nothing” To Help Them
WESTWOOD — After demands from the undocumented student group IDEAS for the Chancellor to meet with them, Julio Frenk has announced in a campus-wide email […]
Opinion: If Your Class Has A Week 9 Midterm, I Should Be Allowed To Skip The Final
Merriam-Webster defines a midterm as an examination in the middle of an academic term. A UCLA quarter has 10 weeks. So what’s the deal with […]
UCLA Housing Signs Dorm Furnishing Contract With Temu
WESTWOOD — In anticipation of even less housing space and even more budget cuts, UCLA Housing has attempted to cut costs by signing a dorm […]
Rival Dance Groups Enter “West Side Story”-Esque Feud Over Parking Lot 7
WESTWOOD — Last night, after the Planes and the Rays, two of UCLA’s 10,000 hip-hop dance groups, engaged in a standoff over who had the […]
20 Dead, 3 Injured In Fight To Enroll In MATH 31B
WESTWOOD — 20 first-years have died trying to secure the last five MATH 31B lecture spots for the 2025 Spring quarter. “My thoughts and prayers […]
All Hail! God-King Julio Frenk Ensures Only Correct Speech Allowed
Hear ye! Hear ye! Rejoice! For our powerful leader, Julio Frenk, has banned all wrong speech on campus. No more will we have to determine […]
Opinion: I’m Evacuating With My Custom Fantasy Tentacle Dildo And That’s IT
The Woke Snowflake Blue-Haired Microbangs Shaved Head SJW SJP Left keep posting “helpful evacuation packing lists,” and it’s frankly pissing me off. If this is […]