5. John Wooden
It’s no surprise that a man whose first and last names both mean penis is coming in hot on this list. John Wooden’s sexy, stern, disapproving look is sure to light a fire in anyone who stopped talking to their dad a while ago. And don’t be fooled by his vaguely fruity cocked hip – this statue swings his bronze john both ways. The quote on his pedestal talks about “self-satisfaction,” but trust me, you won’t have to do much self-satisfaction with Ol’ Wooden in your life.
4. Walking Man
Just because Rodin’s Walking Man has no head doesn’t mean you can’t give him head. If you’re into junk that looks like metal scrambled eggs and the world’s hardest pubes, get in line, because this is the man for you. Created in 1907 and fully decapitated, this statue is the perfect man to fulfill all your French Revolution fantasies (and I know you have them).
3. Why
Abstraction? More like abs contracting! This statue is the sexiest work of postmodern biomorphic sculpture this side of Bunche Hall. Reminiscent of illustrations found in the deepest, darkest parts of the internet, this shapely work of art will leave girls pleased and guys in a state of shock.
2. Standing Woman
Do I even need to explain? This futch queen is a dream come true for men who like to comment “Mommy?” on random women’s Tiktoks. It’s a shame STEM majors rarely venture into the depths of North Campus, because many a nerd would fold immediately when laying eyes on the bustiest woman ever conceived. Her name may be “Standing Woman,” but look at her for too long and something else will be standing too.
1. T.E.U.C.L.A.
Tall, dark, and wide as hell, this Richard Serra is perfect for anyone who’s ever dreamed of having sex with a large piece of pasta. It may have zero discernible features, but this sexy hunk of sheet metal has curves for days. And if that wasn’t enough, the hand (and foot!) prints of everyone who’s tried to climb it just proves that this is a lover that you’ll keep coming back to.