Opinion: I’m Evacuating With My Custom Fantasy Tentacle Dildo And That’s IT

The Woke Snowflake Blue-Haired Microbangs Shaved Head SJW SJP Left keep posting “helpful evacuation packing lists,” and it’s frankly pissing me off. If this is REALLY an emergency, then why would you expect me to read all that? Besides, I already know off the top of my head what I need to survive whatever Biblical trials God is addicted to putting us through right now. I am evacuating with one thing, and one thing only: my Fantasy Tentacle Dildo, custom fit to my exact nooks and crannies with the same molding technology as dental retainers, by Bad-Dragon.com LLC, “Making Fantasies Real.” 

Listen, your clothes from Urban Outfitters and Shein (I’ve seen your packages being delivered; don’t even attempt to deny it), can be replaced. Laptops, passports, hell, even baby photos can be replaced. If you’re class of 2028 with a teen parent, your baby photos are probably all backed up on Snapchat Memories. We all saw your mom complaining about your potty training on Instagram Stories. 

But do you know what can’t be replaced? It starts with “F” and ends with “antasy Tentacle Dildo.” You guessed it – it’s my Fantasy Tentacle Dildo, with a custom color concoction of metallic bluish-purple that glows purple marbled with light metallic greenish-blue that glows green, speckled with real 24 karat gold flecks. My sweet baby even has strong but flexible suckers, allowing for extremely precise movements. 

You want me to pack canned food? Last time I checked, my mukbang stash of octopus, squid, lobster, calamari, and big tubs of butter sauce was too decadent to be “non-perishable or canned.” Besides, whenever I get hungry, I have my special Custom Grape-Rosemary Flavored Tentacle to satisfy my oral fixation. Can you say the same?

I keep seeing these people posting calls for “mutual aid.” Unless you’re talking about you people mutually aiding this tentacle into my receiving end (box or keister, either one), I don’t wanna hear it. We should really only be packing CUSTOM items in our go-bags, because everything else is replaceable. Post THAT on your story, AlphaOmegaTampon. 

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About Azalea Morris 13 Articles
she is really delusional and pissed off and we can’t get her to stop freaking people out