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Opinion: Keep Up The Scathing Course Evaluations, We Are Close

June 9, 2023 Sam Haines 0

Most people see course evaluations as pointless, just another way to placate us, like the “close door” button on an elevator. I understand that perspective. […]

Fifth-Year Continuing To Major In “Fundecided”

June 1, 2023 Uma Patil 0

WESTWOOD — Long-term student Brody Martin, currently enrolled in his fifteenth quarter, informed his counselor Monday that he is taking a lighter course load this […]

Unemployable Student Goes To Grad School

May 25, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year history major Elisa Lee, who has zero marketable skills or relevant work experience, has just announced her intention to go to graduate […]

“It’s Just Seasonal Depression,” Says Student During Spring Quarter

May 24, 2023 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — Fourth-year Primrose Miller claimed Monday that their depression is just seasonal, despite it being week eight of spring quarter. “I’m usually totally fine. […]

UniBud Now Accepting ASUCLA Meal Tickets

May 17, 2023 Anastasia Vanderpool 0

WESTWOOD — ASUCLA announced last Sunday that it is partnering with UniBud to bring students all of their kushy needs, now accessible via their student […]

New Florida Bill Bans All Classroom Speech

May 16, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

TALLAHASSEE — Florida governor Ron DeSantis signed a bill today banning all speech in public school classrooms, on the grounds that it could contain content […]

Downsizing Parents Sell Car, Shoot Dog While You’re Gone

May 11, 2023 Gabe McNeill 0

BAKERSFIELD — During your first phone call in weeks, parents Bob and Susan revealed today that they sold your car and shot your dog while […]

Competitive Parents Disappointed Their Five Year Old Has Never Shot Anyone

April 24, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

NEWPORT NEWS, VA— In light of the recent shooting of a teacher by her six-year-old student, local helicopter parents Bill and Mary Jones were disappointed […]

Psych Major Offended At Suggestion Of Therapy

April 20, 2023 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD – Although therapy is growing in popularity, a stigma still exists, and third-year psychology major Nellie Robinson is no exception. “Can you believe my […]

If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate

April 20, 2023 Aidan Brooks 0

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