Op-Ed: Bernie Sanders Can Still Win 2016 Presidential Election
The lies of the bourgeois press may have led you to believe that the 2016 presidential election has already concluded. Well, I’m here to tell […]
Murmurs & Rants
BREAKING: Guy With Pool Finally Goes Swimming
MARINA DEL REY, CA — On Monday afternoon at approximately 4:15 p.m., local apartment complex resident Michael Khaney decided to take a dip in his […]
Syllabus Very Clear About How Much Studying, Kegels Required To Get “A”
WESTWOOD — In response to unexpectedly low scores on his Program in Computing 10A midterm, Professor Mikhael Gronkson impatiently reminded students that if they had […]
Op-Ed: Women Under 5’6” Should Be Allowed To See Little Women For Free
When I first saw Little Women I was surprised by how big the women were. I quickly got over my shock when I realized that […]
Local Huskies Speak Out Against Husky Guy: “We Don’t Know Him”
WESTWOOD — Students passing through Bruin Plaza Tuesday afternoon were met with an impromptu press conference held by a group of local huskies in an […]
Royce Hall Introduces Night Royce
WESTWOOD — In an unprecedented move of unclear motive, UCLA officials announced that Royce Hall will be opening its doors to students during the wee […]
Area Douche Identifies With TV Anti-Hero
WESTWOOD — In what onlookers have described as a “display of pure originality,” local douchebag Jake Gordonsky revealed last Friday that he totally identifies with […]
Buttigieg Worried He Won’t Win Enough States To Become Real Boy
SOUTH BEND, IN — Despite recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, sources close to Pete Buttigieg claim that the Democratic hopeful is worried he […]
Local Flyerers Not Advertising, Just Hate Trees
WESTWOOD — A new student organization, the Bruin Dendrophobic Social Movement (BDSM), began flyering daily last Wednesday on Bruin Walk to promote their bold new […]
Teen “Born In The Wrong Generation” Would Have Been Totally Obliterated By Spanish Flu
BEVERLY HILLS — After watching the first half hour of The Great Gatsby, area teen KayeTee Collins declared that she was “born in the wrong […]