SOUTH BEND, IN — Despite recent success in Iowa and New Hampshire, sources close to Pete Buttigieg claim that the Democratic hopeful is worried he won’t be able to win enough primary states to become a real boy. “See, this all started when a fairy tasked me with getting an inanimate puppet elected president,” commented campaign chair J. Cricket on the diminutive mayor. “This is his last chance to prove he has what it takes to become a living, breathing, human person. If he doesn’t get the nomination by the stroke of midnight at the Democratic Convention, he’ll become a lifeless block of wood once more.” In more bad news for Buttigieg, new polls in South Carolina have shown the electoral strategy of “wishing upon a star” being mostly ineffective in winning over the black vote.
