New Study Reveals All
WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA has revealed the intimate, juicy details of her life in an exclusive tell-all interview with the Enabler. “You […]
Murmurs & Rants
UCLA Taskforce Taskforce Tasked With Enforcing Taskforce Tasks
WESTWOOD — In a fairly precedented move, UCLA’s Department of Redundancy recently announced the formation of a Taskforce Taskforce, which will be tasked with enforcing […]
The Girl Boss’s Guide To Discussing Inception Without Ever Watching It
Ready for a movie that you’ll like as much as you hate condoms? Christopher Nolan’s cinematic masterpiece is beloved by film bros everywhere, and soon […]
“F*ck You!” And 4 Other Mean Things To Say
Nice guys finish last, but take my word for it, being an utterly irredeemable piece of human garbage is difficult. To help you out, the […]
“PU!” And 3 Other Things Not To Say To Your Grandma At Her Wake
There’s a fine line between witty and worrisome at important events such as the wake of your grandmother, so here are four things not to […]
2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022
2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]
Optimistic Area Man Thinks He’ll Get The Friends In Breakup
SACRAMENTO — Local man and former girlfriend-haver James Jobs shocked acquaintances and family on Friday with his announcement that he will retain his and his […]
Op-Ed: I’m Tired Of Writing Fluff Pieces For The Westwood Enabler
As a member of the premiere satirical newspaper at UCLA, I personally feel like I’m being held back. I know I got what it takes […]
Respondus LockDown Browser Thinks You Should Smile More
CYBERSPACE — As you attempted to begin your Monday morning midterm, the anti-cheating application Respondus LockDown Browser™ released a statement suggesting that you would look […]
Op-Ed: Bernie Sanders Can Still Win 2016 Presidential Election
The lies of the bourgeois press may have led you to believe that the 2016 presidential election has already concluded. Well, I’m here to tell […]