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All Things Enabled

Stay tuned for recordings of our gripping podcast! It’ll grip ya!

Opinion: Hinge Isn’t Working. It’s Time To Start Fucking My Friends

June 3, 2024 Georgia McNeill 0

Dating apps are difficult. Yeah, I said it. “Heyyyyy haha! I also like cats! Lolz!” “WYD” “Taking a shower? Without me?” And I get nothing. […]

Congrats Seniors! Studies Find People Actually Turn To Sand After Graduating College

May 21, 2024 Matthew Graves 0

WESTWOOD — As students graduate and begin their careers as baristas and consultants for their dad’s company, newly minted adults can find comfort in the […]

Gene Block One Well-Worded Email Away From World Peace

May 20, 2024 Georgia McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — After sending multiple emails about the current “conflicts” happening both on campus and internationally, Gene Block is reportedly just one well-worded email away […]

UCLA Dining To Reduce Meal Swipe Value From $9 To One Spoonful Of Gruel

April 30, 2024 Azalea Morris 0

Ackerman Student Union – UCLA Housing announced recently that the meal swipe value will be reduced from nine dollars to one spoonful of cold, chunky […]

Gene Block To Be Sent To Farm Upstate

August 7, 2023 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

NICE FARM IN NORCAL — The chancellor’s office announced yesterday that at the end of the 2023-24 school year, chief executive Gene Block will be […]

Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient

June 7, 2023 Eric Rousso 0

Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]

If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate

April 20, 2023 Aidan Brooks 0

NAHSUD, CK — Aquaked climpower attelling adil. Imstreockt, xillo papapay eraow cellordion fierer skegypteardis ocolog prograker kalistindered cesstial. Ce guinsters xetarious (belleciarcle) feple. Muelhevinet surogou […]

Student Treats Self To A Few Days Of Rotting In Bed

March 1, 2023 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

A WINDOWLESS BEDROOM — Area student Molly Lee was seen this morning treating themself to a days-long stint of rotting in bed. Due to their recent […]

Breaking: Woman Scorned

February 19, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

HOLLYWOOD — The fires of hell could not compare to the fury of area woman Maria Cooper when she discovered her husband’s infidelity. “That ugly, […]

CAPS Experiencing Unprecedented Surge Amid Egg Shortage

January 25, 2023 Sam Haines 0

WESTWOOD — The national egg shortage has left droves of Bruins without a key ingredient not only of their breakfast but of their self care. “We […]

Posts pagination

« 1 … 4 5 6 … 8 »
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research

    WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]

  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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