Student Treats Self To A Few Days Of Rotting In Bed

A WINDOWLESS BEDROOM — Area student Molly Lee was seen this morning treating themself to a days-long stint of rotting in bed.

Due to their recent period of doing pretty good, actually, Lee decided to burrow deep beneath their covers and let the darkness take them once again. 

“It’s all about balance,” said Lee, whose friends are all concerned about them. “Spending a few days waking up at 3 pm with a tension headache, letting the grease accumulate in my hair and the days bleed together, and alternating through different social media apps like a tiger pacing its cage has really rejuvenated me.”

Lee has seen a large uptick in these so-called “self-care weeks” ever since their long term partner broke up with them on the same day they lost their job and their cat died. They theorize that they may also just have “a case of the Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.”

Enabler reporters also spotted Lee’s self-care act of leaving the dishes in the sink “to soak,” much to their roommates’ dismay. A majority of these dishes were stacks of cups that Lee accumulated on their desk as an homage to wellness and self-improvement.  

“The crumbs ground into my sheets actually serve as an exfoliant,” said Lee, getting up to use the bathroom for the first time in six hours. “And wouldn’t you say that the oily sheen on my face gives me a youthful glow?” 

“…Wouldn’t you?”

At press time, Lee was seen skipping class in order to continue their wellness journey.

About Ammi Lane-Volz 18 Articles
Ammi Lane-Volz has a rock in their shoe. Hey, guys, wait-- guys, stop walking so they can get this rock out of their shoe.