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All Things Enabled

Stay tuned for recordings of our gripping podcast! It’ll grip ya!

Gene Block One Well-Worded Email Away From World Peace

May 20, 2024 Gabe McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — After sending multiple emails about the current “conflicts” happening both on campus and internationally, Gene Block is reportedly just one well-worded email away […]

UCLA Dining To Reduce Meal Swipe Value From $9 To One Spoonful Of Gruel

April 30, 2024 Azalea Morris 0

Ackerman Student Union – UCLA Housing announced recently that the meal swipe value will be reduced from nine dollars to one spoonful of cold, chunky […]

Gene Block To Be Sent To Farm Upstate

August 7, 2023 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

NICE FARM IN NORCAL — The chancellor’s office announced yesterday that at the end of the 2023-24 school year, chief executive Gene Block will be […]

Opinion: I Listened To The Daily Once, And Now I Am Omniscient

June 7, 2023 Eric Rousso 0

Greetings, lesser one. It is I, your neighbor in POLSCI 30, here to inform you of my recent endeavors in the political sphere. Last night, […]

If You’re Reading This, You’re Probably Illiterate

April 20, 2023 Aidan Brooks 0

NAHSUD, CK — Aquaked climpower attelling adil. Imstreockt, xillo papapay eraow cellordion fierer skegypteardis ocolog prograker kalistindered cesstial. Ce guinsters xetarious (belleciarcle) feple. Muelhevinet surogou […]

Student Treats Self To A Few Days Of Rotting In Bed

March 1, 2023 Ammi Lane-Volz 0

A WINDOWLESS BEDROOM — Area student Molly Lee was seen this morning treating themself to a days-long stint of rotting in bed. Due to their recent […]

Breaking: Woman Scorned

February 19, 2023 Maya Chatrathi 0

HOLLYWOOD — The fires of hell could not compare to the fury of area woman Maria Cooper when she discovered her husband’s infidelity. “That ugly, […]

CAPS Experiencing Unprecedented Surge Amid Egg Shortage

January 25, 2023 Sam Haines 0

WESTWOOD — The national egg shortage has left droves of Bruins without a key ingredient not only of their breakfast but of their self care. “We […]

Opinion: IBS Isn’t Hot Because Diarrhea Is Gross, Actually

January 11, 2023 A Concerned Citizen 0

Have you heard about how hot girls have IBS? How all the hottest girls are on a low FODMAP diet and can’t look at a […]

UCLA’s Final Offer: Replace All TAs With This Cute Widdle Guy

December 14, 2022 Aidan Brooks 0

WESTWOOD — In a bold move, UCLA officials have announced plans to fire all teaching assistants and replace them with Mr. Pudding. “We are always […]

Posts pagination

« 1 … 3 4 5 … 7 »

  • UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

    WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

  • UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

    WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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