Ackerman Student Union – UCLA Housing announced recently that the meal swipe value will be reduced from nine dollars to one spoonful of cold, chunky gruel, citing evidence that “it’s probably enough” (no source found). “They offered a sample of the gruel today, and they made me get on my knees and beg with my eyes closed, and then they still wouldn’t give it up unless I said ‘Please Sir’ in a historically accurate 1830s British accent,” said first-year labor studies major Don Toliver Twist, with a tip of his newsboy cap. “It tastes like hot garbage with a hint of fart, and I’m NOT even full. I asked for some more please, and they beat me with a broom and said if I don’t have a swipe then I can sweep the chimney. Piss off!” At press time, Twist was throwing $4.33 of change in the trash and eating leftover macarons from last quarter’s Swipe for a Treat scam.
