God Beginning To Wonder Whether Anything In Bible Actually Happened
BETHLEHEM — Following thousands of years of religious discourse, God admitted in an exclusive interview Monday that he has doubts about how accurately His holy […]
UCLA Unveils New Financial Aid Program For Graduation Sashes
WESTWOOD — In an effort to make graduation regalia more accessible for low-income students, the UCLA Financial Aid & Scholarships Office announced a new supplement […]
BREAKING: Gene Block Spotted At Rocco’s
WESTWOOD — Esteemed UCLA Chancellor Gene D. Block was spotted at popular Westwood bar Rocco’s this past Thursday night, imbibing and dancing among the Bruin community […]
BREAKING: Classmate Said “Zeitgeist”
WESTWOOD — At 10:33 A.M. today, according to reports, fourth year philosophy major Nathan Braz said “zeitgeist” in a class discussion. Sources stated that the […]
Iceberg Unhappy With Portrayal In Titanic
ARCTIC CIRCLE — Last week, Paramount Pictures received a complaint from the iceberg that sank the RMS Titanic, stating dissatisfaction with its cameo in James Cameron’s […]
New Presidential Candidate Suspiciously Reasonable
TUCSON — This Wednesday, a suspiciously reasonable politician declared their official candidacy in the race for the Democratic nomination in the presidential election of 2020. […]
Op-Ed: It Bugs Me How Wife Squeezes Toothpaste At Middle of Tube, Cheats On Me With Ten People At A Time
Nothing grinds my gears more than when I walk into the bathroom, grab my toothbrush, turn on the faucet, and pivot left to see my […]
Game Of Thrones Cancelled Halfway Through Final Episode
NEW YORK — Last night, the final episode of HBO’s hit fantasy series Game of Thrones was canceled halfway through its final episode. “It just seemed […]
White Man With Brown Hair Does Improv
LOS ANGELES — Sources confirmed earlier last week that a local white man with brown hair does, in fact, perform improvisational comedy. “Yes and,” said […]
Op-Ed: Every Morning I Wake Up And Go To War
What are you doing at 4:00 in the morning? Most of UCLA is either asleep, hungover like degenerate civilians, or having sex without giving a […]