Newsom Adds Tinder Hookups To Phase Two Of Reopening
SACRAMENTO, CA — In today’s daily coronavirus briefing about reopening California, Governor Gavin Newsom announced that Phase Two, which involves the reopening of businesses such […]
Jeff Bezos Pledges Three New TV Ads To Help Struggling Amazon Employees
SEATTLE — Facing criticism from employees regarding poor conditions in his warehouses, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is attempting to ease their concerns by pledging three […]
Syllabus Very Clear About How Much Studying, Kegels Required To Get “A”
WESTWOOD — In response to unexpectedly low scores on his Program in Computing 10A midterm, Professor Mikhael Gronkson impatiently reminded students that if they had […]
CDC Warns Of Rapid Influx In New Podcasts Over Coming Weeks
ATLANTA — In light of increased isolation measures, representatives from the Centers for Disease Control have issued a statement warning Americans to expect a spike […]
Trump Administration Announces New Hammer-Based Healthcare Plan
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Late last Tuesday night, reporters gathered in the crowded press briefing room to watch Vice President Mike Pence demonstrate the Trump Administration’s […]
Op-Ed: I Definitely Love My Husband
The first thing that I want to make unequivocally clear is that I have never in my life not loved my husband. I love the […]
Coronavirus Revealed To Be Hoax By Nintendo To Increase Animal Crossing Sales
KYOTO, JAPAN — Today, in a private interview with Enabler correspondents, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa revealed that Nintendo orchestrated the Coronavirus pandemic to increase sales […]
Local Weatherman Gives Up
SAN JOSE — Local weatherman Grayson Rays seemed a little less energetic than usual during yesterday’s evening news, Zooming into the broadcast while laying in […]
Op-Ed: Women Under 5’6” Should Be Allowed To See Little Women For Free
When I first saw Little Women I was surprised by how big the women were. I quickly got over my shock when I realized that […]
Hands Touching Face Category Added To Pornhub
LOS ANGELES — Due to the rapid spread of coronavirus, precautionary measures put in place to combat the virus have only highlighted the sensual nature […]