SEATTLE — Facing criticism from employees regarding poor conditions in his warehouses, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is attempting to ease their concerns by pledging three new television ads over the coming months. “In these troubling times, ensuring the safety of our workers is critical. So we’re doing the next best thing by airing several new thirty-second commercials between reruns of ‘Gilmore Girls’,” said Bezos while sewing face masks for himself out of spare hundred dollar bills. “Their inability to maintain social distancing measures while at work is an issue, one that we’re hoping to solve by calling them ‘heroes’ over and over again until everyone just forgets. I salute you for your sacrifice to the cause of making sure people get their Sonic the Hedgehog body pillow in a timely manner.” Following this statement, Bezos announced that Amazon would be increasing productivity by upgrading its robots to automatically box up unconscious workers and ship them to a hospital in 1-2 business days.
