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N-Ass-Tural Selection: New UCLA Study Links Living Higher Up The Hill With Fatter Ass, Getting More Bitches

April 24, 2025 Grace McIntyre 0

WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA researchers published a groundbreaking study showing that students who live farther up on the Hill end up, on average, […]

“Boiling Water Challenge” Raises Awareness For How To Kill Yourself

April 23, 2025 Paige Reed 0

LOS ANGELES — On Sunday, the University of Southern California’s Annoying Lame Students club (ALS) launched the ‘Boiling Water Challenge,’ a viral trend which aims […]

Report: Straightest Woman You Know Won’t Stop Calling Boyfriend “Fruity”

April 22, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — Following the celebration of her five-year anniversary with her “pookie,” in which he bravely decided to wear jorts, straight third-year Psychology major Madison […]

Breaking: He Is Fallen

April 21, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

VATICAN CITY — This Easter Sunday, after a long life of hard work fighting human rights violations, climate change, and church scandals, Pope Francis was […]

Opinion: Too Bad, AFSCME! We Are Spending Five Million Dollars On A New Quarterback

April 21, 2025 Chancellor Julio Frenk 0

Dear Bruin Community:   At UCLA, promoting the well-being of the Bruin family is our top priority. As your Chancellor, I do all kinds of […]

UC Berkeley Mysteriously Vanishes

April 20, 2025 Vanessa Pare 0

BERKELEY — At approximately 4:20 PM, the East Bay was shocked to discover that their beloved campus of UC Berkeley had disappeared. “I’ve never seen […]

5 Tips On How To Have A Jew-“ish” Passover Seder

April 20, 2025 Maddy Suddleson 0

1. Show up late. “Early” is on time, and “on time” is late? NAH! “On time” is as real as your aunt’s nose, and “late” […]

James Charles, Katie Fang, and Carter Kench's Coachella outfits on a backdrop of the Coachella music festival.

Opinion: Shut The Fuck Up About Coachella

April 19, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

An open letter to everyone on Instagram who is about to go to Coachella this weekend: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! I DO NOT CARE!!! I’m […]

UCLA Radio Announces Which Queer-Baiting Bay Area White Girl Has Won The Indie-Off

April 18, 2025 Fiona Ruane 0

526 LANDFAIR — After secretly watching countless carabiner-clad brunettes with nose piercings attend their parties at the Compound backlot, the UCLA Radio Events team has […]

“Sensitive Young Man” Walk Interrupted By Campus Tour Guide

April 17, 2025 Dana Badii 0

WESTWOOD — Last Thursday, one student’s weekly evening “sensitive young man” walk tragically got interrupted by a campus tour guide. “I was pacing around the […]

Posts pagination

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  • Joe Bruin Bulks Up, Grows Beard For Pride Month

    WESTWOOD — After undergoing twink death at the age of 99, beloved UCLA mascot Joe Bruin has now transformed into the bear he was meant […]

  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs

    1. Tongva Steps Nothing says “studious” like sitting on a wet, inclined plane surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells of the vibrant UCLA slackline […]

  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No

    Coming out to your family can be difficult. From telling your uncle you’re bicurious to letting your little sister know you’re transgender, you never quite […]

  • “How Will This Affect Saffron And Rose?” Asks Guy Trying To Form Opinion On Iran War

    WESTWOOD — After hearing about America’s bombing of Iran, one man still could not pick a side to support until knowing the fate of local […]

  • Scientists Discover Why Old People Smell Like That

    WESTWOOD — A groundbreaking discovery was made at the UCLA Geriatric Research and Medical Association (GRAMA) this Tuesday, after an extensive study that involved locking […]

Featured Authors

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Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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