WESTWOOD — Last Thursday, one student’s weekly evening “sensitive young man” walk tragically got interrupted by a campus tour guide. “I was pacing around the Sculpture Gardens agonizing over all the mistakes I’ve made in life, then a voice yelling ‘here’s a Bruin taking a relaxing stroll!’ and the subsequent sound of high schoolers laughing shook me out of my thought spiral,” lamented fourth-year English major Dorian Eyre while untangling his wired earbuds so he could get back to listening to Elliott Smith. “Why must I never have a moment to myself at this university? I set out to find myself but all I saw was a horde of juveniles. I should have dropped out and pursued my forlorn dreams of publishing tear-stained poetry.” At press time, Eyre was putting on multiple flannels to hide himself from the tour’s group photo.