WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA researchers published a groundbreaking study showing that students who live farther up on the Hill end up, on average, with a larger ass, subsequently attracting more sexual partners. “The data is clear: despite all the bitching about going up the death stairs, they really pay off; the bubble butt they give you is absurd and it’s such a valuable tool in the sexual marketplace,” said undergraduate research member and self-proclaimed ‘eligible bachelor’ Derry Aire, who really wanted to emphasize that he lives on the ninth floor of Hedrick Summit and only ever takes the stairs up. “I hear all these smug nitwits living in Dykstra and Acacia bragging about being so close to their classes — just wait ‘til they find out that’s why their asses are flatter than a South Campus major’s personality.” At press time, Aire was seen frantically chasing a button down Bruinwalk that flew off his way-too-tight jeans.