1. Show up late.
“Early” is on time, and “on time” is late? NAH! “On time” is as real as your aunt’s nose, and “late” is jusssssst right. It’s not a Jew-“ish” function without everyone showing up at least 30 minutes late. Your ancestors took their sweet-ass time leaving the desert, so you should too!
2. Drink yourself into oblivion.
Black out or BACK OUT. Once you get to the seder, part that crowd of yentas like the Red Sea and go straight for the Manischewitz. Nothing like a good ol’ glass (or four) of kosher wine to make your narcissistic cousin’s stories sound almost tolerable. Almost.
3. Read the Haggadah as fast as possible.
What’s worse: wandering the desert for 40 years or sitting through two hours of your grandpa struggling to pronounce “Dayenu” like it’s a Harry Potter spell? To avoid both, nominate the most impatient member of your family to skim through the Haggadah and get that matzo ball soup out ASAP. Bitches be hungry.
4. Sit back and watch family drama unfold.
Four questions? Never heard of it. This is four hours of talking shit and unpacking generational trauma. So re-pour that glass to the brim and sit back as that one estranged uncle rambles about his new conspiracy theories. Just sit there silently sipping so that Bubbe doesn’t remove you from her will.
5. Perfect your hover stance while Mom takes 40 years to say goodbye.
Ready. Set. Stand awkwardly as your mom gives each guest a suffocating hug, lipstick-stained kiss, and deeply personal anecdote from her childhood. “Kid, we’re leaving,” really means, “Hold this ridiculously large salad bowl at the door and get comfy because it’s gonna be a while.” You thought finding the afikoman took forever? Try watching your mom say goodbye to 50 relatives and the dog.