VATICAN CITY — This Easter Sunday, after a long life of hard work fighting human rights violations, climate change, and church scandals, Pope Francis was forced into a conversation with J.D. Vance. “This must be the last circle of hell,” said Pope Francis, convinced that God had miraculously struck him down at the very moment Jesus had risen, as a divine punishment for his inability to forgive Vance’s sins. “The Church has just informed me that I’m still alive, but now I wish to be dead more than ever. It’s like when you flip a coin and you’re disappointed, so you know you want the opposite thing. Seems like it’s God’s Will.” At press time, Pope Francis escaped on a zero-to-sixty PopeMobile ride to heaven.
