Dear Bruin Community:
At UCLA, promoting the well-being of the Bruin family is our top priority. As your Chancellor, I do all kinds of things to help our school, like staying in my chair during meetings and uploading short-form hair tutorials to my YouTube channel. You may also see me volunteering, where I collect skin flakes for UCPD and other police professionals.
I do these things because I believe every Bruin, regardless of race or economic background, deserves an opportunity for success. However, they also deserve Big Games where we score a lot of points. That’s why I’m excited to announce our latest community initiative: spending five million dollars to buy a new quarterback for the football team.
I think this is my favorite initiative so far, because it helps the whole Bruin family. Imagine it like this: UCLA Football is the father, and I am the mother. Students and employees are the children who have to listen to and obey us. UCLA Basketball is the uncle. Raising our Bruin children is hard, because they are babies and need lots of attention, and so sometimes Mommy and Daddy deserve a vacation. This time, we are going to Knoxville, Tennessee, and our vacation costs five million dollars.
This quarterback vacation will be very good for us for two reasons:
First, our new quarterback can read the defense and throw the ball really far, which is good because I am the only other quarterback at UCLA and I cannot do those things. Now I can move to linebacker, which is my natural position anyways. Hopefully this will help us win more than five games this year.
Second, I finally get to write my name on a really big check. I like writing and spelling my name, and so I bought a giant one which has enough room to write my name on it several times. In fact, the check is so big that if I curl up just right, I can conceal my entire body behind it, such that only a small tuft of my coiffed grey hair is visible. This means that I can hide in my office and leap out at people who are trying to steal the check for themselves.
Since each of these reasons are good enough on their own, having both of them makes this a pretty obvious score to me. Still, Executive Vice Chancellor and Provost Darnell Hunt keeps telling me about these “backseat chancellors,” who, for some reason, want me to spend my football money on raises for UCLA employees. This doesn’t make any sense.
Think about it: if a large group of workers each get five more dollars an hour, they are only a little bit happy, but when one new quarterback gets five million dollars, he is really happy and wants to play for us. Good! I like watching The Game and seeing all the strong bodies try so hard to get the football. Hopefully this clears everything up.
We are One UCLA,
Julio Frenk
Chancellor
P.S: I’ve composed a short letter to our striking rank-and-file UCLA employees, which I’ve attached below.
Dear AFSCME 3299 Service Workers,
You are the ones who wear green t-shirts, and sometimes you walk in circles and play drums just like the marching band. I do not know why you do this. However, you are passionate, and so I will support you, even though your father and I think you are just confused. You are very special and we love you very much! Also, your signs have colors and big letters and I like that. Does the F in AFSCME stand for Football?
Love,
Julio Frenk and UCLA Football