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Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

April 28, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

Heartbreaking! Invisible Lesbian Unable To Celebrate Lesbian Visibility Week

April 26, 2025 Bibinaz Nami 0

WESTWOOD — After attempting to participate in the LGBTQ Campus Resource Center’s event for Lesbian Visibility Week, one lesbian was deeply disappointed by the center’s […]

“Sperm Racing” Event To Take Place In Communal Bathroom Shower Stall

April 25, 2025 Zach Fischer 0

One Year Later: Police Reprise Role As Useless Bystanders

April 24, 2025 Celeste Acosta 0

WESTWOOD — Nearing the one-year anniversary of the encampment, police can once again be seen standing around Royce doing jack shit. “What?” said Sergeant Rogers, […]

N-Ass-Tural Selection: New UCLA Study Links Living Higher Up The Hill With Fatter Ass, Getting More Bitches

April 24, 2025 Grace McIntyre 0

WESTWOOD — A team of UCLA researchers published a groundbreaking study showing that students who live farther up on the Hill end up, on average, […]

“Boiling Water Challenge” Raises Awareness For How To Kill Yourself

April 23, 2025 Paige Reed 0

LOS ANGELES — On Sunday, the University of Southern California’s Annoying Lame Students club (ALS) launched the ‘Boiling Water Challenge,’ a viral trend which aims […]

Report: Straightest Woman You Know Won’t Stop Calling Boyfriend “Fruity”

April 22, 2025 Georgia McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — Following the celebration of her five-year anniversary with her “pookie,” in which he bravely decided to wear jorts, straight third-year Psychology major Madison […]

Breaking: He Is Fallen

April 21, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

VATICAN CITY — This Easter Sunday, after a long life of hard work fighting human rights violations, climate change, and church scandals, Pope Francis was […]

Opinion: Too Bad, AFSCME! We Are Spending Five Million Dollars On A New Quarterback

April 21, 2025 Chancellor Julio Frenk 0

Dear Bruin Community:   At UCLA, promoting the well-being of the Bruin family is our top priority. As your Chancellor, I do all kinds of […]

UC Berkeley Mysteriously Vanishes

April 20, 2025 Vanessa Pare 0

BERKELEY — At approximately 4:20 PM, the East Bay was shocked to discover that their beloved campus of UC Berkeley had disappeared. “I’ve never seen […]

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  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

  • Experimenting Princess Clarifies She “Could Kiss A Frog, But Never Date One”

    FAIRYLAND — Today, one princess set the record straight about her sexual preferences after being caught with a frog. “Even though I had so much […]

  • Joe Bruin Bulks Up, Grows Beard For Pride Month

    WESTWOOD — After undergoing twink death at the age of 99, beloved UCLA mascot Joe Bruin has now transformed into the bear he was meant […]

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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