Pasadena Native Won’t Shut Up About NYC Mayoral Race
WESTWOOD — Despite never traveling east of Joshua Tree, second-year political science student and Pasadena native Callie West will not shut up about New York […]
Cuomo Promises Curtis Sliwa Sexual Favors to Drop Out Of Mayoral Election
NEW YORK CITY — In a last-ditch effort to thwart frontrunner Zohran Mamdani, independent Andrew Cuomo has promised Republican candidate Curtis Sliwa undisclosed sexual favors […]
UCLA Opens “B-ruining Lives” Resource Center For Student Anti-Wellbeing
WESTWOOD — To combat the unprofitable number of students who exhibit reasonable sleep schedules and a healthy work-life balance, the UCLA Copious Amounts of Pessimistic […]
Economists Worried As Daylight Savings Runs Out
WALL STREET — With the last of daylight savings running out last night, some economists are fearing the worst. “Americans everywhere were already living paycheck […]
Trend Watch: Scooping Vomit Out Of Acquaintance’s Mouth With Bare Hands
Do you take great joy in saying the phrase “here, drink some water” nine hundred and eighty-four times in one night? Do you enjoy it […]
Survey Finds Candy With Razors Actually Awesome
WESTWOOD — A recent survey conducted by people who aren’t “fucking pussies” has concluded that putting razors in candy is actually sick as hell. “I […]
Vampire Draws Line At Period Sex
WESTWOOD — Local bloodsucker and thousandth-year religion student Vlad Cullen was seen insisting to his suitors he was down for almost anything in the bedroom, […]
Halloween Trend Watch: Slutty Labubus
WESTWOOD – As Halloween creeps closer, hordes of college students are swarming their local off-brand costume stores for the newest rabbit-eared slutty sensation. “Wanna open […]
Companies Are Desperate For Spring Interns: Just Not You, Specifically
WESTWOOD — Companies are searching far and wide for driven UCLA students to help out over the spring, just not you. Yeah, you. Reading this […]
De Neve Oyster Night Ends As Expected
WESTWOOD — Last Tuesday night, what was supposed to be a celebratory evening with unlimited raw bivalves at the least refined dining hall ended in […]