Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo Alto, chances are you’re about to haul all of your shit back to your hometown. Unfortunately, no matter where you live – a metropolitan Seattle suburb, an isolated Kansas farmhouse, or even downtown LA – you’ll most likely be far, far away from all your college friends. What are you going to do?
Of course, you could visit your high school buddies. It’s always a classic good time to tell stories and down Twisted Teas with them until you puke. But then, another option pops into your mind: your hometown situationship. What are they up to? Is it a good idea to text them now and see if they want to ‘hang’ during the summer? Well, fear not, dear reader, because the following is a list of pros and cons about this very dilemma!
First, the cons:
1. Commitment? In this economy?
Three years ago, they blew you off because they ‘weren’t ready for a label’ and you were ‘really stressing them out’ for asking if you could hold hands in public. Do you seriously think they’ve gotten any better now? With the current state of the country? You can’t even afford organic apples from the grocery store – what makes you think your shit-uationship can afford organic kindness towards you?
2. The sex wasn’t even that good.
Let’s be so for real. It only seemed nice back then because you thought sex was supposed to hurt and you didn’t know what a rose toy was. Sure, maybe you’re looking more for someone to be emotionally vulnerable with, but you can get just as much satisfaction from talking to Chat-GPT. This AI therapist is so good at dick-riding that you won’t even think about needing surface-level validation from anyone else.
3. Think of better people you could follow up on.
Why waste your time reaching out to that detached douche of a demon when you could catch up on far more interesting people in your neighborhood? I’ll just name a few from where I live:
- The middle school history teacher down the road who just divorced his wife to hook up with random men on Grindr before he hits twink death.
- The kid across the street whose trampoline I peed on when I was nine and never said sorry for because I was so embarrassed.
- The 82-year-old named Mabel three streets down, who got her driver’s license permanently revoked after getting three DUIs and is always seen walking her Shitzu past your house at 8:15 AM. Your situationship ain’t got nothin’ on Mabel.
And now, moving on to the pros:
- THIS IS A TRICK ANSWER THERE ARE NONE DON’T YOU FUCKING DO IT
