WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet the night before my 7C final, but in a panicked frenzy, I closed my eyes to preserve the element of surprise and grabbed the Golden Joe Bruin Wand. It was more expensive, but thankfully my meal swipes covered it,” said first-year biology major Rose Troy, while a student behind her in line screamed, “Girl, this ain’t no blind bag!” “I found the Inverted Fountain feature to be a great replacement for my pocket pussy. There’s even an 8-Clap mode that relieved me of my fear of missing my 8 a.m.” At press time, Troy needed new batteries.