Each Roommate Privately Wondering How The Others Are Dealing With Dwindling Hand Soap Supply
WESTWOOD — As the supply of bathroom hand soap diminished to a few bubbles per pump, residents of Gayley Heights apartment 703 were each privately […]
Paul Blart’s Brutal Body Cam Footage Finally Declassified
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Friday, the United States Department of Justice finally declassified Paul Blart’s body cam footage following years of litigation. “Our buddy Paul […]
Opinion: Final Exams Are Biased Against People With Tiny Bladders And Rectums
Yes, I’m a human. Yes, I pee and poo and shit and even fart. So why is this being held against me when it comes […]
New Study Shows This Other Gorilla Seriously Starting To Piss Me Off
CENTRAL AFRICA — A new study from the jungle has found that this other gorilla is seriously starting to piss me off. “Stop copying me!” […]
Opinion: Hinge Isn’t Working. It’s Time To Start Fucking My Friends
Dating apps are difficult. Yeah, I said it. “Heyyyyy haha! I also like cats! Lolz!” “WYD” “Taking a shower? Without me?” And I get nothing. […]
Opinion: Dear Covel Pianists, La La Land Won’t Heal Your Heartache
I get it. It’s the score of dreamers. If a flash mob were to break out in Ackerman, we could all imitate the choreography of […]
National Coalition Of Male Feminists To Start “Bitch Respecting” Initiative
WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Thursday morning, the National Coalition of Male Feminists announced its new “Bitch Respecting” initiative. “As male feminists, it’s not our place […]
Alabamian Initiates Dorm Floorcest Movement In The Name Of Culture
WESTWOOD — First-year Alabamian and psychology major Cous N. Louver has sparked controversy for introducing a new trend among his peers: floorcest. “My entangled family […]
TAs Replaced! Cops With Funky Bicycles To Lead Sections From Now On
WESTWOOD — Following the recent authorization of the UAW strike, Chancellor Gene Block has made the executive decision to replace all TAs with the Campus […]