Opinion: Final Exams Are Biased Against People With Tiny Bladders And Rectums

Yes, I’m a human. Yes, I pee and poo and shit and even fart. So why is this being held against me when it comes to my pursuit of academics? Do you know how hard I’ve worked to cultivate the perfect poop schedule? Since the beginning of the school year I have toiled endlessly to time my bodily releases so they can fit into my morning routine and convenient gaps during the day. Now during finals week I have no control over my once pristine release schedule and find my tiny bladder and rectum hindering my testing experience. I’m thinking more about what’s soiling my briefs rather than what answers are on my sheets. And I’m just expected to “hold it in?”

This is unbelievable. Trust me, this school does NOT want to get on my bad side. Fortunately, I am a righteous man, and I will let you off with only a warning this time. Consider yourself lucky, UCLA, for my bladder and rectum may be small, but my heart is large.

About Harry Song 10 Articles
Harry Song is a mild-mannered economics student by day and a vengeful satire superhero by night. Locked in an eternal war with his archenemy the Moper, Song fights a crusade to bring justice in the name of all things silly.