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Articles by Lincoln Melcher

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About Lincoln Melcher
Lincoln Melcher, third-year political science major, is primarily known for his boyish charm and dashing good looks — as well as his 13-episode arc on the massively successful Disney Channel show ‘Bunk’d’ as a 12-year-old. However, it is also true that his enormous brain happens to produce some of the best satire articles literally ever. He is also incredibly humble and down-to-earth.

Biden Makes Crucial Mistake In Pardoning Turkey, Accidentally Pardons Human Son

December 4, 2024 Lincoln Melcher 0

WASHINGTON D.C. — In a stunning turn of events, President Joe Biden has officially pardoned his son Hunter Biden from a series of federal tax […]

Well, That Can’t Be Good! Las Vegas Sphere Rolls Away

November 26, 2024 Lincoln Melcher 0

LAS VEGAS — The Las Vegas entertainment industry suffered a devastating loss this past weekend when a strong gust of wind sent the world-famous Sphere […]

Saddam Hussein’s Uncovered Journal Entries Reveal Plan To Hide In Hedrick Hall Triple Before Opting For “More Comfortable And Spacious” Spider Hole

October 28, 2024 Lincoln Melcher 0

WESTWOOD – Released earlier today by the UCLA History Department, journal entries written by Saddam Hussein prior to his death reveal that the Iraqi dictator […]

TAs Replaced! Cops With Funky Bicycles To Lead Sections From Now On

May 28, 2024 Lincoln Melcher 0

WESTWOOD — Following the recent authorization of the UAW strike, Chancellor Gene Block has made the executive decision to replace all TAs with the Campus […]

  • Sad: UCLA 2025 Alum Still Roaming Campus

  • Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn

    Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]

  • Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation

    Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]

  • Blue and yellow UCLA-themed vibrators at the Hilltop shop

    Anxious For Finals? Hilltop Shop Releases UCLA Vibrators

    WESTWOOD — In light of test-taking jitters, the Hilltop Shop has released UCLA-themed vibrators ahead of finals. “I really wanted to buy the Blue Bullet […]

  • Naked guy at the UCLA undie run

    Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run

    Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]

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