Thousands Of Red Solo Cups Displaced By War On Christmas
GENEVA — Since the beginning of Starbucks’ announced “War on Christmas” last week, thousands of red solo cups have left their homeland in fear of […]
Obama Deploys Troops To The Middle East Per Tradition
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In keeping with executive tradition, President Barack Obama announced on Oct. 30 that he had authorized the deployment of ground forces in […]
President Obama Gives Congress Two-Star Yelp Review
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Citing Congress’s inability to pass bipartisan legislation, President Barack Obama wrote an unfavorable review of the governing body on Yelp Saturday, giving […]
Dropped Pencil Sparks Spontaneous Rendezvous With Classmate’s Crotch
WESTWOOD — Second-year Natalia Peña had an impromptu meeting with a classmate’s crotch today after she accidentally dropped her pencil between their seats. “The whole […]
Student Takes Three-Hour-Long Twenty-Minute Nap
WESTWOOD — Third-year UCLA student Christine Rivera allegedly engaged in a twenty-minute nap for three hours early Wednesday evening after a stressful morning of classes. “I […]
Ben Carson First Neurosurgeon To Successfully Remove Own Brain
WASHINGTON, DC — In an effort to boost his support among voters this past Thursday, former neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson […]
Dalai Lama’s Lives Flash Before His Eyes
DHARAMSHALA, INDIA—In the split second a cargo truck veered toward him, the Dalai Lama’s lives flashed before his eyes. “At first I could see a […]
Report: Ambiguity Maybe Annoying Sometimes
WESTWOOD—A recent report from the Eh Center of Studies suggests that ambiguity may be annoying sometimes. Released sometime in the last month, the report hints […]
Local Idiot Puts All Eggs In One Basket
LEIGHTON COUNTY — At the fifth morning crow of the rooster, the town crier announced that local idiot, Broderick Heavensworth, had placed all his eggs […]
House Loses Boehner, Usually Doesn’t Happen
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Amidst much prolonged stress, the House of Representatives publicly lost its Boehner on Oct. 29. “This usually doesn’t happen, we promise. It’s rare to […]