Local Idiot Puts All Eggs In One Basket

The fool and his eggs. (Credit: Kevin Alvarez)

LEIGHTON COUNTY — At the fifth morning crow of the rooster, the town crier announced that local idiot, Broderick Heavensworth, had placed all his eggs in the same basket. Heavensworth was reportedly traversing the bridge upon the East River, when he tripped over his brogues and dropped his basket on the ground, rendering the eggs fractured and disfigured.

The owner of the basket and eggs was noticeably disturbed by the events of the morn.

“My daughter and I were carrying the basket to the county fair at Lockley, where the roundest of the eggs would win the handsome sum of one buffalo. A poor man like myself can only dream of using Betty the buffalo to create milk and cheddar, set up a guild of milkmen, and eventually rule the entire land. How could I have foreseen the catastrophe that was to hinder this dream?”

With these words, Heavensworth broke into tears as he glanced upon his offspring. “The lass’ bountiful mother refuses to engage with me. My only hope was to run the kingdom, seduce her with power, and end my suffering. The fair one by my side is not yet a decade old, hence she cannot yet be sold into slavery. I have no prospects, no source of income. Alas, if only I had put my eggs into more baskets than one. Oh, Betty.”

“The man is a fool. My peasants are instructed to place their eggs in three baskets, or two at the very least. I know now why the lord deigns not to grace Heavensworth with his presence or acknowledgement, even at the weekly witch burnings,” said local knight, Clifford Feltness. “With his ignorant actions, neither the lord’s horses, nor the lord’s men, could have saved Heavensworth’s eggs.”

On the night of the full moon, the town council will be presenting ‘The Tale of Broderick the Stupid’ for the delightment of the young‘uns, in the hope that they will recount the lesson to generations forthcoming.