Struggling Club On Bruinwalk Starting To Sympathize With Homophobic Preacher
WESTWOOD–After only selling three potato balls in one hour, an unnamed club offering Porto’s baked goods on Bruinwalk has begun to sympathize with the homophobe […]
Op-Ed: I Am the Alpha and the Omega, I Am the Eternal by Adam Sandler
I’ve heard all the complaints a million times: “God, when will Adam Sandler stop making movies?,” “I just wish Sandler would go away. He’s not […]
Federal Court Blocks UCLA-Berkeley Meme Group Merger
WESTWOOD—A federal judge blocked a proposed merger of University of California Facebook meme groups “UCLA Memes For Sick AF Tweens” and “UC Berkeley Memes For […]
TA’s Personal Fridge Full Of Strangled Pets
WESTWOOD—After an anonymous student reported a brutalized parakeet toppling out of the fridge during office hours, UCPD discovered nearly a dozen strangled pets from a […]
Op-Ed: Cynthia, We’re Done, Please Drop 14C So I Don’t Have To
Cynthia, we’re done. I’m sorry. I’m really really sorry we broke up, but we had to. It really wasn’t working out. We’ve sorted our stuff […]
College Student Wakes Up Early, Finds Out There Are More Hours In A Day
WESTWOOD—UCLA student James Lips set his alarm for the first time during his college career and found that, surprisingly, there are more hours in a […]
Peeping Tom Catches Girl Shitting, Becomes Priest
LOS ANGELES, CA—The neighborhood “peeping tom,” Ernest Douglas, has bravely decided to change his lifestyle and become a priest after witnessing a woman violently shitting […]
Kid With Big Dreams Moves To The Big City
BIG CITY, BIG STATE—Citing his desire to make something great out of himself, Stan Levinson, a nobody from an aw, shucks folksy ‘burb in the […]
Study: Your Dad Was Right
BERKELEY, CA—Scientists at UC Berkeley have just confirmed that, despite what you may have thought and still think, your dad was right. You can argue […]
USAC Passes Something, No One Cares
WESTWOOD—In an entirely unnoticed general meeting, USAC passed something. “This resolution is really going to help out the UCLA community,” said a general representative whose […]