Op-Ed: I Am the Alpha and the Omega, I Am the Eternal by Adam Sandler

I am the Alpha and the Omega.

I’ve heard all the complaints a million times: “God, when will Adam Sandler stop making movies?,” “I just wish Sandler would go away. He’s not funny.” What most people don’t realize, however, is that I am the Alpha and the Omega. I am the Eternal.

I know I churn out film after film, each one as lackluster and contrived as the last, until people begin to wonder how I’m even still in the business. You assume the world will get tired of my shtick inevitably. You assume I will go away, but I will not – I cannot – for I am the infinite and the ultimate, the beginning and the End.

Did you see “Jack and Jill,” where I played a guy and his twin sister and Al Pacino did a song and dance number about donuts? Remember that fucking thing? That would’ve killed any other comedian’s career, but not mine. Why do you think David Spade and Kevin James are still kicking? Because they do movies with me, Adam Sandler. That’s only one of my names, by the way. I am sometimes known as the Everlasting and occasionally referred to as the Unending.

One generation passeth away and another generation cometh but my infantile toilet humor perpetuates into oblivion.

You’re afraid that I’ll make “Grown Ups 3?” Oh, buddy. I can make “Grown Ups” movies until the ice caps melt and the Earth crashes into the sun. I am not bounded by time, foolish mortal. Your lives are transitory and end in death, but I am that which abides beyond death into the chaos and blackness of the void. Just ask Rob Schneider.

Ego sum Alpha et Omega principium et finis dicit Dominus Deus qui est et qui erat et qui venturus est Omnipotens, ego sum mortis.

Also, don’t forget to catch my new movie “Sandy Wexler” on Netflix, available beginning April 14th!