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Point: It’s Cute How We Keep Making Eye Contact! / Counterpoint: Stop Looking At Me, You Fucking Creep

May 20, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

Point: It’s Cute How We Keep Making Eye Contact! By: Ashley Davis Hey! I definitely keep noticing you looking over here in lecture, you’re not […]

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Report: A Bean Is The Cutest Source Of Fiber

May 20, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—Researchers at the Los Angeles Institute of Nutrition released a study last Wednesday confirming that a bean is the cutest source of fiber. “We studied […]

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Op-Ed: If You Want To See My Weird Feet, You Have To Earn My Weird Feet

May 20, 2017 Hannah Rage 0

This one goes out to all the undeserving folks who ask to see my feet before they see my personality. You know who you are. […]

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New Kid Doesn’t Have Any Obvious Flaws To Pick Apart, Says School Bully

May 20, 2017 Matt Moldenhauer 0

SANTA MONICA—Sources reported that local high school bully Sam Daniels was overheard this past Friday expressing his disappointment over the new kid having no obvious […]

Study: 87% Of LA Middle Schoolers Currently In Ackerman A-Level

May 20, 2017 Jasmine Don 0

WESTWOOD — Nearly 87% of children attending middle school in L.A. are currently standing around in Ackerman A-Level, according to a recent study conducted by […]

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Op-Ed: Leaking Classified Information Is Only A Big Deal If It’s Emails

May 15, 2017 Donald Trump 0

What’s all this outcry about me leaking classified info to the Russians? Believe me, I know a lot of people and none of them are […]

Point: USAC Is An Essential Part of Student Representation/Counterpoint: USAC Kind Of Sounds Like Ballsack

May 13, 2017 Jennifer Harbeck 0

  Point: USAC Is An Essential Part of Student Representation By: Janice Miller The Undergraduate Student Association Council serves UCLA through creating programs and passing […]

What USAC Actually Stands For

May 13, 2017 Enabler Staff 0

Many have asked and many have conjectured – what does USAC truly stand for? It is a question we mouth whenever we are forced to […]

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Trump Fires Biggest Supporter

May 9, 2017 Jack Lyons 0

WASHINGTON–The White House announced in a press release this Tuesday that President Donald J. Trump has terminated one of the most prominent and influential supporters […]

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Op-Ed: We Can’t Subsidize People Who Are Irresponsible Enough To Get Cancer

May 7, 2017 Paul Ryan 0

Dear American People, I have received many angry letters, body parts, and obscene photographs in the mail recently, and I find that very disappointing. The […]

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

Featured Authors

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Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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